Paranoid Insomniac

I've four days left in Davao. The past couple of days have been really hard and emotional. Every time I think about the 6th of June I get nervous and teary-eyed. I've had at least 2 sleepless nights these past couple of days and it kinda sucks that no one really cares that I'll be going away. I haven't heard from some of my friends whom I really feel connected and intact with. They barely even check on me to say hi or what's new with your life, simple things like that which really mean a lot. All I keep hearing is, "laag tayo before ka mag-alis bai ha" pero sigruo hanggang salita na lang muna yun sa ngayon. Yun na lang ba talaga ang mapapanghawakan ko sa mga taong tinatawag kong kaibigan? Ewan ko, ang hirap na pinapaasa ka sa wala mas mahirap yung naghihintay ka kahit meh pakiramdam ka na di matutuloy ang mga ganyang usapan. Eh ayaw ko naman na ako ang unang mag-yayaya sa kanila kasi di naman talaga ako yung klaseng tao na laging wala sa bahay. Sana na man eh kahit papaano naaalala rin nila ako kahit text lang man. Naiisip ko tuloy minsan na baka pag-alis ko eh makakalimutan lang nila ako, kagabi I prayed for them, yung mga tao sa buhay ko kasali na mga kaibigan ko, kahit minsan I feel that I don't have a place in their life I continue asking God to guide them, to help them make the right choices in life kasi di naman lagi na may mga taong tutulong sayo minsan nga eh sarili mo lang ang makakatulong sayo sa bawat problemang dumarating.

I'm the kind of person that always wanted to make a difference in people's lives even if they remember me for the insignificant things I do for them like when they ask me for favors or other stuff like that. I really like it when they seek me for help, gaya ng pagpapatutor yung mga ganyang bagay na kahit papaano ay makakatulong ako sa kanila kahit minsan eh wala na man akong hininging kapalit basta't wala akong ginagawa pati kung di ako tinatamad kahit anong bagay pa gustong hingiin ng mga kaibigan ko eh I do what I can as long as I can. Kaya nga that's what puzzles me eh, all my life I've been this person who's been trying to please her friends. In the past couple of years you can notice people especially people at school who I make libre to when they ask or even if they don't rin or who I drop off at this and that place or who ask me for favors because they think "I don't mind" or those who make utang tas di ako babayaran. Those things I do because I like doing them and some of the time really really pisses me off when I'm not in the mood. People don't notice that side though because they think ahhh si Jem bitaw yan ok lang and I don't tell them that it's not ok. Take for example the libre part and the utang part, those things are fairly good don't get me wrong kasi kung may pera ako di ko naman yun pinagdadamot kasi di ako gahamang pinalaki ng magulang ko sa pera. Lalo na kung ang isang tao ay tinuturing ko talaga na really close friend, why not diba?. Pero madami talagang abusado jan eh gaya na lang ni..hahai..nag isang taon na lang ay di pa ako mabayabayaran sa utang. And to think this debt is like play money for crying out loud. There's just so many people out there who think I'm rich, who think my family is rich when in truth were not. Just because we own a lot of cars and this fairly big house doesn't mean we have tons of money. Were like everyone else, we also have our financial issues like everyone else. So many people think it's ok to not pay me back for stuff they borrowed or not return stuff they borrowed because they think I don't need it back. They don't know for the past year or so there were times that I cry myself to sleep asking God to help my dad make enough money to pay our debts in time or to provide us with the basic necessities, asking God to help the spare parts business because there are really more tough times than good times in business. There are moments where we can't make money kasi yung mga customers di binabayaran utang nila in time or pinagtataguan kami kung minsan lugi ang tindahan lalo na ngayon lahat mahal tas kokonti na lang tauhan ni papa. Ang hirap ng buhay pero swerte pa rin kami kahit papaano kasi tutal nakakakain pa rin kami tatlong beses sa isang araw. Like last year, we were really lucky that we made money in time. Kasi ang lapit na talaga yung time na ibebenta na sana namin ang bahay. Nung kinuwento nga ng parents ko sakin di ako makatingin sa kanila kasi umiiyak na ako. Naaawa na nga ako kay papa eh kasi ako wala akong magawa para matulungan siya. As I grow older I realize every day that I need to grow up even if I don't want to.It's weird how a thought can absorb your emotions in a snap. Ang dami ko nang na itype ah..hahaha..where was I again? hahaha..oh right, so I think this whole leaving thing gave me a new perspective in life and that is do the best you can. I asked God last night to guide me through this whole thing, I don't want to be that kid who's lazy in class. I want to make my parents proud and to make them know that going to school away from home was the right choice and they weren't just wasting time and money sending me there. :)

Back to the friend thing though, uhhhh I really can get carried away with stuff sometimes..hahaha..I have ADD..hahaha..I just wish they make me feel like I've been part of who they are sometimes. Yun lang, too much to ask ba? hahaha..ewan :D hahaha..Anyhow, I started cleaning out my closet today. Kapoi mag sort out ng stuff na dapat palabhan tas ano ipack..uhhhh..hahaha..I'm not even done emptying the thing..hahaha..Mamaya na naman cguro..hahaha..Kapoi XD

Labels: emo :|, summer

3:03 AM